DASFO

If you think you are a super Guitar Hero, or can rock out with the coolest crowd, we challenge you to make a fool of yourself with these badass instruments. Chances are, you don’t own enough awesome to pawn off for an hour’s worth of play on these bad boys. Even inmates bow down and bend over to the sheer coolocity of following tools of harmonic terror…

Sackbutt

Sack + Butt = Trombone

Speaking of inmates, we’ll start with the Sackbutt. Yeah, I heard you chuckle. That’s right, it’s an instrument that combines a sack, and a butt, into the most flamingly homosexual display of a prehistoric trombone that sends even the most comfortable heteros packing.

The true sack and butt come from this instrument’s soul, since only the most perverted of minds could derive the image of a sack and a butt from the shape of a trombone. This instrument dates back to renaissance times, where players would blow their sackbutt all night long for dances. This only proves that musicians have been getting some from playing at parties since the dawn of time, because no self-loving man could possbily wake in the morning and wish to play an instrument with the name sackbutt in front of a group of hot babes unless he was getting more than the rest of his shawm-playing friends.

Hurdy Gurdy

Are you cool enough to hurdy gurdy?

Someone set out to make the most embarrassing instrument ever. They took the annoying elements of a bagpipe, and effectively glued some wood and metal onto a violin in order to make a bagpipe-keyboard-violin-machine, which they topped off with the dignified and respectful name “Hurdy Gurdy.”

Anti-babe magnet: “Hi, I play the hurdy gurdy.”

Babe magnet: Playing the hurdy gurdy, and not getting laughed at.

The above presents the distinction between someone who plays the hurdy gurdy, and a hurdy gurdy player. If you can play the hurdy gurdy without getting some chuckles or having sharp objects hurled at you, you have truly become a master of the School of Badass, and will live for eternity on Mount Olympus playing the hurdy gurdy for Aphrodite when you die.

Anaconda

My anaconda don't want none unless you've got buns hun.

Overcompensating? Perhaps. Phallic symbol? Definitely. But if you are cool enough to play this instrument, call me collect, and I will buy a plane ticket to fly out and see you not humiliate yourself. It looks like a giant snake, oddly enough, and basically combines the lameness of a euphonium with the undesirable elements of a bassoon into something that possibly makes up for its sound with it’s name. Even the smaller version of this instrument is known as a “serpent.”

You say damn, I wish I could play a snake. Better yet, a snake twice the size of my body wrapped around me.

I say here, blow on my anaconda.

If you can pull off a number on this instrument, you have enough coolness to make Louis Armstrong curl up into fetal position and cry for his musical mommy. Hot babes will literally be crawling all over your giant anaconda every night. The Apocalypse will ensue. And snakes will run scared if you ever happen to be playing music infront of an audience of snakes. The bottom line is that there was only one man ever cool enough to play this instrument and his name is Andrew van der Beek. I don’t have a picture of him, but we have a guy who wishes he was cool enough to play the anaconda. He isn’t, and neither are you, so please leave it to Drew.